The Seven Checkpoints -Healthy Friendships(2.17.08)

Proverbs 13:20 “He who walks with the wise grows wise,
but a companion of fools suffers harm.”

A wise person is someone who knows the difference between right and wrong AND makes the right decision.

How important is it to pursue wisdom? What if you don’t necessarily care to be wise –according to the Bible? How many students you consider friends would you say are ‘wise’ based on a biblical definition?

Good friends are wise friends. Good friends know the difference between right and wrong. Good friends make good decisions. And it will always be easier for you to do the right thing when you are with the right people.

A fool is a person who knows the difference between right and wrong, BUT chooses to do wrong.

One of the recurring arguments students use with their parents and youth leaders goes something like this: “But I don’t do what they do. I just want to be where they are.” Or this: “I don’t drink; I just go to the parties.”

You need to stop and “give thought to [your] ways.” Oftentimes it is not what you do that causes you to get hurt. It is who you are with. It is the companion of fools – not the fool themselves – who will suffer harm.

Proverbs 13:10 “Pride only breeds quarrels,
but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”

Choosing friends: What are the top five qualities you want in a friend? Now –are your current friendships falling short of what you really want? Do you choose your friends? The truth is, you don’t really choose your friends. You merely gravitate toward acceptance. You hook up with the people who are most accepting of you.

Illustration: I was observing you guys when you entered the youth room. When you came in, you immediately went to a particular group of students. They were people you have something in common with. They accept you and you enjoy being around them. You didn't hold up your "Top 5 Characteristics of a Good Friend" and then make your decision who you spent time with, you spent time with your peers who accept you.

So if what we noticed is true, then you don’t really choose your friends. Your friends choose you. Have you ever noticed how some people act one way at church events and a completely different way during the week? They want to fit in, and they are willing to adapt themselves to different environments in order to gain the acceptance they crave.

Bottom line, your choice of friends has more to do with your desire to be accepted than a list of characteristics you draw up. You don’t choose your friends. You gravitate toward acceptance. Acceptance is a good thing. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be accepted. BUT acceptance by the wrong people can be determined to your life. Why? Because acceptance paves the way to influence.

Relationships don’t stand still. Genuine friendships move in a positive, mutually beneficial direction. Have you been friends with someone that only cares about doing what THEY want to do and not what you want to do? Not much fun is it?

Self Destructive Behavior. This is important to look out for, because, if your friends don’t care for their own well being, what makes you think they are going to care about you? Would you loan your car to someone who doesn’t take care of their care? Probably not. So why would you put your physical and emotional self in the hands of self destructive people?

A lack of solid convictions. They say things like,

“You have to do what you feel is right for you.”

“Everybody has to decide for themselves.”

“No one can tell other people what is right for them.”

Having healthy friendships is probably one of the deciding factors in whether or not you stay committed in your relationship with God. Because acceptance is so important to you. You will go back on commitments you vowed you would never neglect. Your need to be accepted will trump your relationship with God.

Do you care more about the friend or the friendship? This is an important question to ask because here is what happens as a result of caring about the friendship most. If you care about a particular friendship you have with someone, then chances are you wont say or do much that will jeopardize that friendship. You don't necessarily care about the person you say is your friend, but rather you are more concerned with how that friendship makes you feel. Now lets say you know without a doubt that 'friend' is not a Christian. You know that non-Christians will suffer in eternal separation from God. However, because the status you receive by being this persons friend is more important to you than their salvation, you don't risk the friendship by saying anything about their need for Jesus.

Consider the alternative. If you care more about that person -the friend than you do the friendship, then you are willing to risk the status you receive from being their friend to talk to them about Jesus -even though it may cost you the friendship.

God knows your friendships and friends are important to you. He knows you value the acceptance you feel when you are around them. However, as His child, he would rather you influence them, than them influence you.